Wednesday, November 08, 2006

in and out of control

Last night after worship practice my pastor said something, quoting from the author of a book he is reading, and just like he said this statement hit him, it hit me, too, but for my own personal reasons. The author wrote something to the effect that being the adult child of an alcoholic, control was very important to him because he associated being out of control with pain. Well, I fit that category and well remember how fearful and uncomfortable it was to be a child with out of control care givers. This is hitting me again as I am needing to trust God at this point in my life, when it seems so chaotic. I know God is all good and loving, and not like the human examples I had to follow, but I associate God with the chaos because I have given Him my life. I am in a period of life where so many new things are happening all at once I can't put a handle on my schedule entirely. Some people thrive on living for the moment, spotaneous is their middle name, and it's all good. I'm not some people. I like things like that if after they happen the result is good and I don't wind up looking irresponsible or a fool and I can pull off a convincing reaction that doesn't look like I'm passing gas.

I'm moving away from a place where I have a spiritual head who knows me to being under people I'm not sure about. They do seem very good, but I don't know, and I've been in more than one situation in the church where people seem to go nuts in the name of some pet thing their protecting. I'm not sure how quickly I want to put myself under the control of another person if I don't know them well. I'm being depended on alot more by strangers whose reactions I cannot be sure of because, once again, I don't know them. I'm being asked to be flexible, to respond instantly to needs and requests, to quickly assess where I belong or don't belong. All of this harks back to totally trusting in a loving God to guide me, and I'm not sure how well I'm doing with this.

Probably the worst thing in the mix is having to let go of long-time associations that do represent some sort of stability and control. This is truly uncomfortable for me. I think as humans we tend to those things that respond to our routine and become a part of it, even if those things are not perfect or even sometimes not good for us. They are the familiar, and familiar is comforting. Sometimes these things are not what they appear to be, but I make them into what I want to comfort myself and once again, control a situation. But the control is better than not having anything to try to control, or facing the truth, that it's all a facade and I'm as helpless as I appear to be in the end.

Once again, it all goes back to trusting the only One who is trustworthy in heaven and earth, even when it seems that that isn't the case. When the road is unclear, I have to go back to the timeless words of scripture and use that as my road map. What I can always control is what I lay myself down to in trust.


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