Happy Birthday!

The wonder of this birthday card is not that it is a bit less lame as prison cards go, but that it is not the SAME card as the last three years. Chuckle. Bran was very surprised and excited. Of course I don't really care, but that's the standing joke we have now about birthday cards.

And the inside is the best part. Here's a Bran bit:

"Imagine my surprise when I saw this in my commissary bag. It's different! A miracle! I'm amazed, really. Commissary puts the 'love' in my love/hate relationship with Monday. On one hand, it's the heaviest work day of the week, on the other you could have goodies waiting for you at the store. Got myself a basic man-staple: meat, cheeze, and crackers. Those Ryan's Ranch Summer sausages are a crime against food, but they're ok for jail. Not to mention, easily sliced with a plastic ID card."

Chuckle. He's a Brandon, and in the midst of the grey sameness of jail, life does actually go on. I got my card!!

labor pains

We were able to visit Brandon over Labor Day weekend. The weather was spectacular, clear blue skies and all that fall can be in Pennsylvania with the trees beginning to turn and the air still not too snappy. The journey was picture perfect in terms of travel-no fog, no rain, smooth sailing. And for a holiday weekend, the crowd in the day room was sparse. Holiday weekends are the best time to travel now that I'm on a 9-5 schedule, and so I didn't mind the long day. But we were all tired, Brandon included. By the time 1:30 pm rolled around we were all ready to call it a day.

It was a good time as usual, but in the course of conversation I realized, as I probably do each time we go, this road could not have been avoided. More information keeps coming out, and as much as I want my son home, I don't know if home's the best place for him. It is such a fine line. I ran into an old friend of his at Office Max, a neighbor of ours years ago. The kids grew up together and seeing this young man now reminded me how much time has passed and how much has changed, and how much hasn't. I sincerely feel Bran needs a completely fresh start. I want him with us, but not if the cost is constant struggle. It will be hard no matter how things work out, but I want to believe the best and want to have faith that somehow he was spared and somehow it all made a difference.

Time will tell, I suppose. I'm grateful always to read about and talk to the guys who did make it out and who are changed, or are motivated to "do it right this time". It's tough. But seeing it happen in the real world surely makes a difference.

Brandon's letter

I received a funny, newsy and insightful letter that helped my mood and attitude enormously. Brandon describes a visit to the prison doctor (nothing serious) and then comments on life and growing up. I'd like to share the latter. I wrote to him about some concerns with his sisters, and this is his comment on that, and on his attitudes:

"...I can identify with someone who imposes hardship on themselves, not out of guilt, but the desire to truly be an adult by making thir own mistakes and learning hard lessons. The irony usually is, as the person grows up and has their own children, they want to shield them from what they know better. The want to say "I already made this mistake so you don't have, here's what I did wrong, here's what to avoid." The child can heed the
warning and obey, or find out for themselves and act independently of the advice. Even if the result is failure, there can be joy in making what may be one's first unilateral decision. I did that a lot with you and Dad. I saw it as necessary change, it was only natural for teenagers to try and wrest control from the parents and perhaps not define, but separate themselves. I figured it was simply appropriate social order. It became something else entirely, too much discontent and unrest. As Mephistopheles said of Faust, "...His spirit's ferment far aspireth..." or rather 'his sould stinks to high heaven.' I was always listening to you both, I simply felt I had to do certain things or I wouldn't learn otherwise. The rest was just hedonism and self-servitude (laughs)."

So that is something I think at some point every parent needs and desires to hear, read, whatever the case may be. To know that they were heard, they were understood, even if the advice wasn't followed. He ends his letter by signing it "your little guy always" and he always will be in some sense that first day kindergarten student walking down the hall to the classroom as though it were a death march, big fat tears at the corners of his eyes.

time passages

It's once again been too long since I've posted anything. Oddly at this time, though we still have a few years to go, Brandon's return seems so close. I guess I've never really thought about it as practically as I am now, admitting the excitement, the fears, the uncertainty of the whole process. I didn't want to think of it, as though thinking about it would somehow jinx it and add more time. Our home is empty now. The youngest has more or less moved on, so I'm cleaning like a madwoman and fixing up. I guess that made me think the next occupant will be our son. It will be like bringing a baby home in a way, or a stranger.

I did decide to invest in professional help to help my anxiety and to better prepare my mind. As I said, up to now, I didn't think about it much, but now that I am, I know I need better preparation, more coping skills than I currently posses or maybe just someone with a degree to tell me it'll be ok. I don't know. I feel like I've reaching a high water mark emotionally and I can't take in any more water without mental distress. Even thought things that are happening now are normal passages of life. So I trust and I pray this is where things need to be now. There aren't many how-to books on families of inmates who return home.

Prison Products

One thing Brandon does do is send prison product labels home with his letters. I don't know if this can be read, but the little caption above the City Cow says "cheese with an attitude". I am not sure how this differs from regular cheese. I guess the powers that be figure gangsta cheese is more appropriate for inmates. Chuckle. I also have the tags from my son's t-shirts which are on a "Big House Productions" label. Those I'm trying to make into earrings. It's one rather funny aspect of this whole situation.

Somerset visitation 7-3-09

These are pictures from our latest visit to Somerset. It was a good time. Bran is headed into his 5th year, and so approaches parole eligibility very quickly. We were able to stay in the prison for a full 6 hours. He never stopped talking. He's literally half the person he was going in. The jumpsuit he was wearing was bagging all around. Bran has one more class he has to take and he's gotten all requirements for the parole board. He's still working in the laundry, though now does washer loading (the machines are the size of a motor home). The work of lifting laundry constantly for hours had really assisted in keeping him in shape.

We stayed overnight in a mansion turned bed and breakfast, and crashed at around 7 that night. We didn't wake up until the next morning. It was a long day, but a good one.

Mother's Day 2009

Just had to post my "prison card" from Brandon for Mother's Day. An associate made this card out of a file folder, a bedsheet (the rose is on fabric), printer paper and assorted markers and pencils. I think Bran added the back-I might consider developing a line with that logo (beats the heck out of Hallmark!) Chuckle. He writes a long letter inside the card but I got a little laugh out of his desire to ride the fjords of Finland one day and become "Lawrence of Scandanavia". Crazy kid. I think he will. But I hope he stays around for just a little while after he's out for old mom.