Well, one good thing about having a blog is that you can vent, spill, explode and tirade verbally, feel better, and the flying pieces of word glass fall into an inert universe and remain suspended, not really finding a mark as those spoken might. I understand now that there is a reason God did not write the world into existence, He spoke and it was. The spoken word has tremendous power. The written word does as well, but somehow not the same impact. At any rate, I feel safe here saying my piece and moving on.
Seems like lately I've had a very hard time distinguishing between what I perceive as personal affronts and people just being themselves. I guess I can be sensitive and full of pride, and I sometimes can't tell when my feelings are telling me speak, or they feel ignored like naughty children and need to start a fire or blow something up to be heard. In more than one situation, I felt like the relationship warranted more than was done. It was more or less a case of people in my life making decisions and just expected the outcomes to be accepted without any argument, discussion or apparent thought to how it might appear, be received (or not)...and in those cases I tend to feel like a hysterical female. I resent the apparent misuse or careless use of authority or power, and not even when it comes to people in an official capacity. A case in point-an organization my husband and I are a part of needs church cooperation to exist, and therefore pastoral support. We approached a long time pastor and friend regarding starting a group in his church. We waited to hear anything, and waited and waited, and finally we had to set a deadline. Nothing was apparently being done. When the decision was made, we were not told. We heard through another party who really has nothing directly to do with it. I don't know how to view that. Did he have to tell us directly? No. Being that we've known the man at least 15 years, and a large portion of that was spent serving in his church, it would have been nice. I'm not sure I get it. While I guess it was right for him to act as a pastor first, a one line e-mail would have meant so much. Huh? And now that we are doing this group, and going to be working with him, I feel a pinch of resentment. Should I say something? Should I let it go?
Another situation happened that again, I wonder...am I being overly sensitive? A person in a leadership position, where I also serve under this individual in a leadership role, had to leave the post due to job concerns. It was a blow to everyone, but understandable. We all expected this person to be gone for a length of time and tried to recover and move forward. Well, he reappeared and was back in the saddle without any of our leadership team knowing except one person (the acting person in charge). I don't know why, but that made me so angry, as though our voices didn't matter. It was just the idea-include us in the decision-making and don't assume things. I'm glad this person is back, but things changed while he was gone. The group was out of balance and needed a more even distribution of authority. I didn't respond, I reacted, but part of me feels those emotions were warranted and now I'm nervous serving under him again.
Two situations came up where my youngest daughter received a summons to appear before a magistrate. In both there may be some valid cause, but it still feels like the letter of the law triumphing over the spirit, and there is more to both situations. In one the officer misused power most definitely, and in the other, the whole picture is not being viewed, I feel (the summons was from her high school because of tardiness). Yes, I agree the situations need to be addressed, but in the latter case, this is a kid with a 3.5 average who has one month of senior high left. Sigh. Is appearing before a magistrate really necessary?? In my view as a mother, she's my youngest, probably the hardest working of my three kids and the only one who will walk the graduation stage because the other two blew it off. If this summons for tardies jeopardizes that walk, I will be crushed. Part of me wants to scream at this high school "keystone kop", geez, give a mother a break! But he's only doing his job.
So I don't know...I'm sort of out of kilter, wanting to do right, wanting to be generous in spirit, understand and respond instead of react, but that can be hard. I need help to see clearly, and sometimes writing does that for me.