Monday, May 14, 2007

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was yesterday. There were alot of feelings going through my heart all weekend. I miss Brandon. I've done well for the past few months, but it has been almost two months since we could visit him, and I feel his absence so much. I went into the local prison on Saturday to help with the female inmate 12 step program, and my partner could not stay. I was already hurting inside and tired, and was relying on her to run things. But that did not happen, and 18 women came down. Somehow I was not afraid. The presence of God was there, and I felt nowhere was I functioning more as a mother than in this lonely place. It was an odd turn of events and suddenly I realized this is where I needed to be.

The night prior was prom and my youngest daughter was gone all day Saturday with friends. We had planned to go to dinner Saturday night instead of Sunday, and I didn't want to go without Becky, but the hours went by and she didn't check in and didn't check in. My heart began to sink at the prospect of having dinner without her. Finally a call came and I felt much better, but realized how much my emotional life revolves around my children, present or absent. Beck and I spent several hours on Sunday together, for which I was glad, because while she's not a disobedient kid, she's very social and rarely stays home.

Sunday was quiet again after our time together and dinner, and I stayed in by myself to watch tv. I watched the old black and white movie, "I Remember Momma". I guess I needed a good cry. It was sort of painful to watch an intact family, mother, father, sisters and a brother, interacting in a normal fashion, loving each other, being sensitive and celebrating each other's lives. I scarcely remember any such thing. My own mother is long dead. My dad is gone. My girls are flying the nest and my son is in prison. I suppose even among the most fractured situations the spirit of family prevails. I did see myself in the mother and the eldest daughter in this movie. I spoke with my first-born after the movie and somehow the day seemed to end in peace. The human family, God's plan, always finds a way.


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