Friday, December 29, 2006

they happen

I've come to the conclusion that no matter how much we know we're doing right or following God, emotions happen. Even if intellectually I can accept a new direction or change, what happens as a result and my reaction to it is something I have a hard time controlling. Change is inevitable. The most difficult thing to deal with is change in relationship, especially when it means goodbye or the end of something. Even if I'm 100 percent positive it is right, the implementation is never, ever easy. I've gone through bad ends and well-planned ones alike, things that just sort of fall off or move away, and I don't know how to prepare myself ever for the grief.

Last night was our last worship practice at a church we've attended for almost ten years. God is moving in my husband's life and mine, and we separately and together came to an agreement that it is time to move on. We have ministry opportunity elsewhere. The only way I seemed to be able to cope with the evening was to feel physically ill while it was going on. I couldn't bring myself to face the full scope of what a "last practice" means. Add to that the fact that the people on the team were the ones closest to us for years. I only started feeling less heachachey and nauseous when we sat face to face, talked and prayed about the issue. I know, duh, this being the last time we're together officially it's time to speak that out and make it public. I dread Sunday. We've told no one but the pastor and team members.

Some things go on, too, like our son's situation. The separation was forced and is going to last for a long time. I don't always know how to live with the tension that is unresolved and will be for years. I'm not good with acceptance. I'm trying to release every other source of unnecessary tension in my life this takes so much energy to deal with. I'm trying to keep myself physically fit and eat right, get enough sleep and go on with things. I pray about it and focus on the good things in my life. Yet still, it doesn't change the fact nor spare me the emotions that go with. After hearing from another prison mom, I know these feelings are normal, but we both agree we would rather not have them at all.


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