Thursday, May 24, 2007

on hearing

An odd thing has happened to me, totally unexpected and without apparent factors or symptoms leading up to it. My left ear to a great degree, and my right a little, are blocked to the point I have significant hearing loss in the left. When I walked into work yesterday, it felt someone stuck two balloons in my ears. I had been having pulsing in the left for several days, but no sinus issues, no swimming, no cold symptoms...nothing. No pain, thankfully, or maybe not so thankfully. If there were pain it probably would have been the routine ear infection I suspected. It seems the worst words you can ever hear from a doctor are, "I can't help you". In my case, that was followed by, "we'll schedule you for a carotid artery ultrasound, and give you the number of a specialist". The end result is, I can't hear like I used to.

Being the drama queen that I am, I imagined the silent movie reel worst case scenarios a fearful mind can dream up. I go completely deaf and have to learn sign language and carry a little note pad with me everywhere, hastily scribbling my witticisms to the rest of the hearing world. I need life-saving surgery and lie on a bed with an angelic countenance, telling everyone goodbye if I don't pull through. I suffer for the rest of my life with pulsing and ringing in the ears in sainted martyrdom. Why is it that I have a hard time immediately grasping with my faith muscles, believing in a good outcome, certain that whatever comes God knows and is in this, and I will come out a better person?

I'm not experiencing unhinged fear, just the controlled and "constantly reminded something may be totally wrong" sort. I can go through my daily routine, but the bothersome sensations and anticipation of bad news chains both feet. I have to get back to hearing of the spiritual kind, and listen intently. Nothing can stop my inner hearing except concentrating way too much on the outward. I'm trying not to. And I find I must follow the advice I just wrote to two separate people-experience all the emotions connected with an issue honestly, and then surrender everything to God, and, healing is a responsibility. What do I really need here (hear?)


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