Wednesday, November 08, 2006

day by day

I ask myself why some days seem so easy to navigate, like a wide open channel, and others are riddled with rocks, blind spots, uneven depths and raging rapids. Today was a channel day. Boy, was I in rare form...organized to a "t", able to slip so easily from one situation to another, readjust myself and deal with tiredness gracefully. I went from seeing my family off to school and work, to preparing for the day and putting a bag of clean clothes and goodies for my mother-in-law in the hospital, getting books together for my small group, calmly driving through the rain to pick up a friend going to group with me, getting gas, helping the hostess, laughing with my pals and getting ready for a long visit at the hospital immediately afterward. Even after that visit I went to get my hair cut and was able to converse with the hairdresser and graciously leave her a good tip. Things continued as I came home, put together a decent dinner, exercised, picked up my scripture study lesson and moved through the evening dealing with one thing at a time as I needed to.

Wow, contrast that with yesterday. Sigh. I did get done what I needed to do, but work seemed endless. I couldn't stop feeling like I wanted to be home. I was tired when I got home, and found myself ripped through by lightening quick stabs of jealousy at something really stupid, and terminally impatient in a situation that required my love and care. I clearly didn't at the moment I needed to. I was angry later in the evening and just plain hungry. I ate half a box of chicken nuggets (probably got my dose of transfats for the century), several stale cupcakes and whatever else seemed to suit my mood. I was totally frustrated with my husband and upset and worried at my daughter who took off after her babysitting job and didn't come home until ten that night. She did not take her antibiotics and I did not know how her arm was. This toxic mix of circumstances and bad reacting led to a bad and fitful sleep. The evening wound up ok-I repented of my green eyed monster attack, impatience did melt into understanding, and my daughter did come home and reassure me her arm was feeling better. Fine, but I still let the rain fall and the wind blow through my soul and reacted appropriately in the flesh.

I don't know how to do it better at the moment. Duality strikes again. I want to walk in the Spirit, but I don't appropriate that strength consistently. Life isn't consistent. Thinking that I can be sane and calm 24/7 is ridiculous. I'm on a long learning curve-it's going to last until this old, saggy body is feeding worms and pushing up daisies. The Lord is the only consistent in the mix, and believe it or not, that frustrates me as much as it reassures. I think of the old hymn, "Yesterday, Today, Forever", and it's true. It's just that, I don't like to be reminded of my need so pointedly. I know we're not to make provision for the flesh, but doesn't life itself scream out for it? So, bring it on and help me to keep on truckin'.


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