Saturday, May 26, 2007

on hearing, part 2

I'm day four into not being able to hear out of my left ear. I can tell you this, it's exhausting. Being robbed of a sense, or the owner of a distorted one that causes continue static and white noise to the brain, is intolerably nerve-wracking. I'm cursing that overly-cautious "not my family" physician for not giving me a course of antibiotics immediately, because I'm also starting to feel poorly and very tired. I had my carotid scan done yesterday and was told if something was life-threatening or serious, my doctor would be called immediately. So I guess there's no danger of my ears or arteries blowing up. I suspect I'm sick and the sickness manifested itself somewhere deep in the sinuses. The ears were just a weird and atypical starting point. So it appears that possible a garden variety sickness will be costing me 5 days of misery and hundreds of dollars if I do have a hearing test and exam done by a specialist who is not on our insurance provider list. If you think you are going deaf, what's a couple hundred dollars anyway?

Still I'm not sure, and that is what bugs me. It bugs me further that it happened on a holiday weekend. It was so difficult in the prison this morning. The place was so packed out we couldn't keep an eye on everyone all at one time, and the undercurrent of chatter plus an air-conditioning system strained my hearing to the max. I tried to participate, and then come home to a busy day. But I wound up on the couch after planting flowers. I wanted to do so much more than that, and if tomorrow and Monday aren't better, I guess I needed a rest and this was the only way to slow me down.

I have little patience with this, and perhaps that's the lesson. I think of friends I've known for years, since they were my age, now who suffer with old age pain and conditions that aren't going away. I should be better, if not in a few days, hopefully by next weekend. But I can't imagine not being better, or getting worse. I just can't imagine it. The noise of being at Friday's Celebrate Recovery meeting was almost impossible to sit through, and I love those meetings. I got a break from doing the music, which was fortuitious because I couldn't have anyway. I couldn't hear myself sing. I think of our Serenity Prayer, which I prayed twice in as many days, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (even temporarily!)..."


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