Friday, July 13, 2007

all things working

Maybe things are really beginning to normalize in my mind, at least in terms of Brandon's imprisonment. I was freaking out last year, so worried about not getting to the prison every month, and now my girls occupy my thoughts at least as much, if not more. We haven't been for a visitation now in a few months. I can't remember when we went last. We do need to go, and I want the whole family to if we can, but I'm not overly concerned about it like I was, depressed and so anxious. Brandon writes and calls, which is helping, the phone calls especially. It doesn't seem like ages between visits, and I know he understands it is hard to arrange such long travels.

I AM trying to cut myself slack. I tend to always trip on the same wire, that sometimes being selfish is more unselfish than immediate martyrdom to things I want. I think it's more appropriate to be honest and say "thus and such is more than I can do", than be backed into a commitment and seething with resentment about it. I have to first of all be honest with myself? Why do I feel like I do? Am I letting fear get the best of me? Am I trying to do too much? I can trust on either end, to believe that God will help me if I feel unable or to take dissolve any guilt feelings I have by not being superwoman all the time.

I also have to look at blame. I do blame people for things unconsciously and that isn't fair. My son did what he did and we in part reap the consequences, but I have to be done with blaming him for "causing" our hugely long visitation trips. It's our choice to go, and things just are what they are. The scriptures say that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose...ok, can a prison visitation be worked for my good, because I certainly fall into that category? The answer is yes. The answer is always yes, if I choose to believe. We will always be affected by circumstances and other people. You'd have to live in a cave not to be. So to face a day ready to accept and believe all things can work for my good is a good way to change my mind and my heart.


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