Wednesday, December 13, 2006

it's my heart

I love Fred Astaire (does anybody not?) His moves are so effortless they underscore and entwine whatever melody is set to music. One of my great dance and musical favorites is from the movie "Holiday Inn" if memory serves me, and it's the Valentine number, "Be Careful, It's My Heart". He has a lovely partner of course, one that he shouldn't have had, as usual. There is a beautiful moment in the dance where he and his partner silhouette behind a tissue paper heart and then leap right through the paper. Today my heart felt like that tissue paper.

I suppose it's just my luck...this heart of mine is as frail as tissue so often. I wish it were more like rubber or wood, but I guess it's was God's pleasure to give me something transparent and frail, and so easily damaged. I wouldn't be able to give my portraits the life they have without a heart so willing to yield and break. I wish it were not so. It causes my ears to be deaf, my mouth to stop singing, my whole countenance to fall into a sagging gloom at the first sign of rejection or disagreement, or something that just can't be made right. Some tears just cannot be mended no matter how much I want them to. Yet I pray for trust and resilience.

I said it felt like that today. I failed to trust someone I should have. I failed to believe my friend when he said our bond would never break. I failed to be patient. I took offense and became despondent because the mailbox was empty for yet another day. I forgot how many times there was a letter, pages long. I forgot how kind and understanding this person is at all times, and how respectful. I was purposefully selfish when I should have been large. Sometimes it is right to protect the fragile and easily torn member of my person. But this was the wrong time, and I grieve to think how quickly I might have injured another heart as well with angry words.

So I tell this foolish heart to be patient, to be sure that even if it suffers a tear in the waiting, this one is to let love in. I think this is a person who will be careful indeed, maybe more so than even I could be.


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