Tuesday, November 28, 2006

controlling myself-how it's going

I am still in the middle of my studies on self-control, and wouldn't you know it, that was a big chunk of last week's church sermon. I've needed to ask myself, within the context of my own life, where's the problem(s) and how do I practically deal with these issues. I would say without question the problem is how I handle (or don't) my emotions, particularly negative ones. There are two areas that come up consistently and while they aren't necessarily sins in and of themselves, my motives are suspect in the way I use them to excess. I eat and I write. I think I nailed them pretty well because at this moment I am attempting to exercise moderation in both, and I'm starving and having nervous ticks in my fingers.

I confess here and plain I can't consistently eat three meals a day and be satisfied. So many places in the world this would be a luxury, and to me it is spartan living. I don't feel condemned, only constrained to understand how I am so hungry having presumably all I need. I'm not a large person, yet my stomach was growling all night after a day of what I felt was more than enough. This tells me my extra intake must be great, and that was downright discouraging because I do not eat junk or fast food. My paradigm of enough needs to change!

As to the writing, where I'm needlessly pouring out my every thought, I know I need to first take those thoughts captive and examine what is good to say. My benchmark for letters is a friend out West. Due to the fact that he is incarcerated, we must use paper (old-fashioned, I know). But what it has done is forced me to accept conditions of discipline because I either accept them, or I don't write at all. It takes a week for a letter to reach it's destination, and a week for it to come back after a reply is written. I can whoop it up and write a novel when it's my turn, but then I have to wait two weeks again. It has forced me to change my perception of what is important to communicate. I've bludgeoned people to death with e-mail, and I know it is according to the relationship that I gauge my responses. I'm starting to feel deep conviction about certain ones, so my two-week rule will extend to that, if not more.

In the meantime I will just have to be hungry and nervous, and find other ways to deal. I am journalling, and that helps. I am eating alot of apples, and that helps. I will survive and in the end thrive I know. The scriptures say a person who lacks self-control is like a city with broken down walls. Anything can come in, so I'm laying bricks one day at a time.


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