choosing

I'm trying to let go the washed-out feelings of last night, watching Bridget Jones' Diary alone on the couch. I guess it's something that's been steadily building, or at least seems my experience because the movie industry sure picks up on it-there's something about being needed desperately for who you are. And it goes without saying, by a member of the opposite sex. I wish sex were enough for me. I can do that. What I can't do is force a man to need me or appreciate what I have to offer, and the older I get, the more resentful I get of the fact.

I try to tell myself my faith makes me whole, my career is exciting and enough for me, family life completes me, I have so much more than so many other people....all true, but I can never get this pesky heart to stop wanting someone (a male someone), even in a friendship, to put forth some strident effort to choose my company, to prize what I'm about. Good Lord, a Colin Firth seems absolutely out of the question-someone who would ditch a huge career change to be with me, and who kisses like that... Or even wants to. Don't we get enough of the half-crocked grope out of the depths from a snoring, farting sleep partner? If that's romantic, I think I want to be a Martian.

Or this...the constant reminder that most men prefer the tightest body parts. Can't blame them, I guess. Hey guys, what about someone who is smart, articulate, who knows about music, art, life, love, is generous, well-groomed, funny, has good teeth and a vocabulary above the forth grade and who only uses the word "like" to describe comparisons of things? Sigh...ok, I know the world will never change and I should appreciate what I have in turn. Just sometimes seems like settling. I tell myself, give what you want to get, focus on the whole of life. I do. But, man, some days I want the good stuff, too. Is that too selfish?