Saturday, January 20, 2007

choosing

I'm trying to let go the washed-out feelings of last night, watching Bridget Jones' Diary alone on the couch. I guess it's something that's been steadily building, or at least seems my experience because the movie industry sure picks up on it-there's something about being needed desperately for who you are. And it goes without saying, by a member of the opposite sex. I wish sex were enough for me. I can do that. What I can't do is force a man to need me or appreciate what I have to offer, and the older I get, the more resentful I get of the fact.

I try to tell myself my faith makes me whole, my career is exciting and enough for me, family life completes me, I have so much more than so many other people....all true, but I can never get this pesky heart to stop wanting someone (a male someone), even in a friendship, to put forth some strident effort to choose my company, to prize what I'm about. Good Lord, a Colin Firth seems absolutely out of the question-someone who would ditch a huge career change to be with me, and who kisses like that... Or even wants to. Don't we get enough of the half-crocked grope out of the depths from a snoring, farting sleep partner? If that's romantic, I think I want to be a Martian.

Or this...the constant reminder that most men prefer the tightest body parts. Can't blame them, I guess. Hey guys, what about someone who is smart, articulate, who knows about music, art, life, love, is generous, well-groomed, funny, has good teeth and a vocabulary above the forth grade and who only uses the word "like" to describe comparisons of things? Sigh...ok, I know the world will never change and I should appreciate what I have in turn. Just sometimes seems like settling. I tell myself, give what you want to get, focus on the whole of life. I do. But, man, some days I want the good stuff, too. Is that too selfish?

4 Comments:

Blogger Salt Water said...

Hi! Found your site on the "Next Blog" link. Can't say much about relationships. I'm one of those who could be married to just about anybody. That is probably not good. I was shocked by your interest in "Messing with museum guards". Wow! What is with the title "Prison Mom"? I new a girl once in Reno who messed her life up by going to prison. I should have married that one. I don't think she had an Idea in her head, but she was a looker. I see you post no pictures. Picasa2 makes it easy. One last thing, my friend Al, found a great wife on the internet. He is a retired Airforce officer and a Sierra Club hike leader and she was an Organic Farm owning theropist. They married last year and now live at the mouth of a river. That means to me, computers can help with almost anything. Best wishes.

3:18 AM  
Blogger joannie said...

Hi-I'm prison mom because my son is in prison, and the blog is sort of a quasi-vent system. The comment about messing with museum guards means I get way too close to the pictures on the walls to look at brush strokes-I don't push my luck, but I get plenty of "ma'am, please moovvee away from the artwork!" Chuckle. Thanks for the best wishes. Any relationship is a struggle, no two ways about it, and actually I've heard it said that really you should be able to marry anyone! I could post a picture, but actually I'm not looking, and I don't think I want that attention particularly.

5:23 AM  
Blogger jules said...

There's nothing at all wrong with wanting that. I often feel the same way. You echo a lot of what I'm feeling.

12:08 PM  
Blogger joannie said...

In all honesty I haven't really found any answers to this. I have great friendships with men, then I get too attached and screw it up.

1:20 PM  

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