Sunday, February 11, 2007

milk carton christian

Yeah, I'm afraid with each day that passes I'm becoming more and more the poster child for why you shouldn't become the typical evangelical Christian in America. I don't think anyone wants to hear what I have to say. Really. Hmmm....I've been a believer for 35 years, married 28, a mom for 23, Sunday School teacher, worship leader, kid's ministry leader, volunteer for countless events, involved parent who took kids to church, did the school parent field trip thing....according to your typical message from the pulpit, I should be wealthy beyond belief, have incredibly successful kids and be the happiest person in the world. I've taken chances with my life, tried to follow my dreams, tried to be honest, real, loving as I know to be, all that, and I wouldn't have done it differently.

Where am I today? Living paycheck to paycheck, hoping for some sort of break, looking at things I can do to help my family but not sure they'll pan out, have a kid in prison, two more who are very free and creative souls but not really sure how they fit into the faith gig. They're not really interested. I'm not sure any of my children will follow in my footsteps. I'm not sure they want to marry. I have a trail of relationships that didn't work out and more to come I'm sure, I'm not terribly consistent about my habits and my thought life, I love people who are sort of crazy and drawing naked people, too. I know lots, and lots, and lots of people who have done what I've done and had some spectacularly bad things happen to them.

Why does a person believe in God? What does one hope to gain by this? I'm sorry-I can't promise you anything, except a love that will never end. When I was in the prison, I was surrounded by the most pervasive hopelessness. Those women believe nothing will change their lives. They fully expect to go out using again, drinking again, maybe coming back in again. What causes someone to throw themselves through a window? One little girl who looked not more than 16 or 17 said she hoped never to return and wanted so much to change, but her eyes told a different story. What can I tell these women and be truthful? We talked about the vine and the branches. The comment was, I kill every plant I own. I just told them, this plant God owns and you are as near to Him every moment as one of the branches on the plant. That's what we get for believing. And you know what? It's more than enough.

2 Comments:

Blogger jules said...

I have GOT to find the lock to my journal, cuz you keep reading it and writing it here!

5:22 AM  
Blogger joannie said...

That's just too crazy! But I'm glad to know someone feels the same...I just know for myself I can't base self-worth on the "outwards" or I become despondent.

3:30 PM  

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