Wednesday, February 07, 2007

primal screaming

I feel like I just want to scream this morning. Just SCREAMMMM...a friend (kindly) left a devotional study book on our screened in porch apparently last night or early this am, because I haven't had time or drive to come to her group for the study. The book I'm sure, is absolutely wonderful, filled with wisdom that perhaps at another time might suit me to a "t". But this morning I started reading and wanted to throw it in the trash.

I cannot take another book about cultivating a more willing and gentle spirit. It seems like all I've needed to do in the last several months is be confrontational to survive and grow. I've had to end two friendships I did not want to because the individuals on the other end needed me to be demure and agreeable apparently all the time, or whatever they seemed to need from me. The price tag for not being honest with them was far, far too high (these were both males, so that explains alot). I had to confront my husband about moving on in some areas of our lives. It was like pushing the Titanic backwards, even though he did hear me. The wear and tear on my nerves has been impossible. Then to deal with my son and visitation issues-once again, I feel I'm called upon to move positively in an impossible situation that always rips me to shreds.

I watched a favorite movie two nights ago, "Frida". It is the story of artist Frida Kahlo starring Salma Hayek, in probably one of her best roles. Watching it yet again I realized the film had lost none of its punch-in fact, I could identify even more with this woman who lived life on her own terms. I was crying by the end. I knew what the deal was-I need to live life on my own terms, too, and find my own inner peace by struggling, confronting, pushing and birthing everything inside. I cannot, I will not, lay down and die. My surrender comes from screaming, not sitting quietly. It's just the person I am. I understand the meaning of the book, but my road is a different one, and I desperately need to make peace with God by scribbling, splashing and rubbing my life's canvas with all the energy I have. I think He more willingly accepts that furious, dirty, paint- stained child with white tear tracks than a cleaned up zombie.


Blogger jules said...

You could always hit someone with the book. It might make you feel better.

9:17 PM  
Blogger suzi-q said...

Chuckle-that works, too!

2:56 AM  
Blogger joannie said...

p.s. I changed my post name back to joannie, so there's no confusion!

3:00 AM  

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