Tuesday, February 27, 2007

so far away

I haven't been sleeping lately, and there doesn't seem to be a good reason why I can't. Or a reason why I can't lull myself back to dreamland. Maybe there is and I simply have a hard time admitting how much certain things affect my heart and soul. I'm not unhappy, but there is a sadness there I can't name. Somehow looking out at the dull snow-reflecting sky at 3 in the morning makes me feel a part of it and I have to keep staring out the window. Perhaps I can name it. For the want of a certain presence in my life, someone far away in distance, experience, place in life, age and so many other things it is amazing I could become so attached, I stare at the sky. My whole canvas of feeling runs into cobalt and dioxazine purple. I'm experienced at this-I have felt deeply for situations and people that were impossible to hold and lived to tell the tale over and over again. But this time I'm not sure what to do. Reality makes plain the path to a certain extent, but physical reality is really only the tip of the iceberg here. I feel now that I'm older I should be able to get a grip on it, give myself a good talking to and move on, but it never happens that way.

So I told myself this time I admit to myself the reason for the lack, admit true feelings, and allow them legitimacy. I trust myself enough to believe I don't feel for nothing or inadequate reasons. The relationship is a healthy one, a good friendship. I think there is room there for things that can only exist in distance, but it is normal to long for the hollow of someone's neck, a shoulder, fingers touching in passing, the small pleasures of nearness, the sound of a voice. All these things I can't know, will never know in this case. Can I survive it? I have to one way or another.


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