to sleep, perchance to dream

I slept last night! I mean, after days of prednisone in my system and feeling like I'm jacked to the max with a pot of Columbian gold (coffee, you degenerates), it was so good to get a sort of decent sleep. And go to bed feeling peaceful. I'm reading an oldie but a goodie, "The Sacrament of the Present Moment" by Jean-Pierre De Caussade. I like even typing that name-makes me feel so cosmopolitan, spiritual and smart. Chuckle. Actually, it's a very humble tome by a very humble French priest who is addressing the sisters in his charge, talking about seeing God in every thing and every moment of the day. The chapter I read last night talked about the three graces, faith, hope and charity. Charity is a beautiful and old-fashioned term for love. I like charity better. It has more of a kind and selfless connotation. But Caussades' point with this-it's really hard to screw up when agape is your motivation, God-love, the unselfish brand.

I guess in the back of my mind I immediately thought of punishment when my ear went south. What did I do? I must deserve this. Well, you get taught for years that outcomes are directly connected to what you do, so I felt, what sin, what lack, brought this on that I need to be brought up to snuff and made aware of the horror of my shortcomings? You know what never occurred to me-love. Really. Over the course of two weeks, I went from bald-faced fear, as though I could really bring something so horrible onto myself, to, there must be a reason, to, God is in this somewhere, to, He love me so. How do you connect deafness with He loves me? I guess I saw this as an invitation. In my limitation, He reaches down closer. I saw more clearly than ever a Savior who took on the ultimate limitation for a God-becoming flesh-to help me.

It was a wow moment having such a truth uncovered in my heart. My immediate instinct was to grab the hand that was reaching without hestitation. No fear. Somewhere fear fell off the wagon and I stopped worrying. About myself. About what I can do to fix this. About what it may mean. Charity. If this makes me look to the Lord more, to understand more completely what He sacrificed for me, then yes, it is love. I know in my heart one thing-I want to be a better lover. I want to be motivated and moved by love, not fear, not what may happen, could happen, measuring every step, being self-protecting...no. Love move in abandon of self. The dream of love is to be entirely self-forgetting.