Sunday, July 22, 2007

the ins and outs of love

I think loving is about making conscious decisions. The movies seem to portray love as this thing that just sort of appears magically, you fall into it, and then everything is great. There may be a few bumps in the road, but if it is "meant to be", even the obligatory bumps on the road to true love just sort of disappear. Well, after years of the long road, being in relationships, marriage, and most importantly, a child of God and active follower, I can tell you that's not real. Most adults know this in their minds, but continually expect the "magic" of no work, little imput and "if it's right it should just work out". I'm guilty, guilty, guilty.

This week I made a very conscious decision in my walk with God. I give my emotions far too much place in my life. I feel deeply. That is simply part of who I am, and not a bad part. The thing is, I did not realize how much I dwell...on frustration, anger, confusion, worry, being overly concerned for people, even when it seems right to do. I have a very hard time being at rest, and figure that's another thing that should "just happen" if God loves me. But what I realized is, rest has to be cultivated. I need to spend time with God, time reading His word, time seeking. And I need to make practical decisions. OOhh, practical doesn't seem to fit with the warm fuzzies we all want. The practical decision I made was to join a weight loss center. When I'm busy dwelling, I tend to be busy eating. I felt so convicted inside that these behaviors are connected, I have to start breaking the connections. If I want God, I want rest and want to express my love more fully, I consciously work to make it better. It's work to have to write down what I eat. It's much easier not to pay attention at all and keep saying to myself, "Tomorrow". But tomorrow really never comes. I know that.

Some relationships I want dearly cause me pain and uncertainty. But I know the only answer is be available and keep trying. Lately my walk with God feels uncertain. I know, once again, I can't dwell on those emotions when I read solid promises in the scriptures. He promised to never leave me or forsake me. That's it. The scriptures say Jesus died once for all-God reached out first and settled the deal forever for all of us. Doesn't matter how I feel or don't feel about it. It's a done deal. His love is eternal. In the end, we need a love that never leaves. Period. I want my quality of love to be that. Eternity is a very long time and it takes living one day at a time, making the decision to do what I've promised as well, knowing if I slip or fail, there is a love in my life that doesn't. That is the model.


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