Sunday, November 18, 2007

finding rest

We're BAAACCCKKKK! After a week. After a week of having nothing around me that defines me-no art projects, no computer (well, at least not mine), away from my house, all that. It was a good time, but I have to admit, being without all your "stuff" is hard. Also being in a position to not exercise my "position" is hard as well. Accepting someone else's hospitality graciously is sometimes hard, too. The Spirit is working on my pride, which is huge. HUGE, large, octopussian, tentacular, controlling, inescapable it seems, even on vaca. Sigh. A friend is going through tremendous changes in his life and I've been a part of that process. The most critical week in his adjustment just came and went, and I was gone. There was nothing I could have done anyway. But the idea. I wasn't there to oversee everything. I'm changing my art process and had to leave everything, right on the verge of getting into another type of media. It drove me crazy to go.

I haven't changed my working methods in a long time because I'm afraid I'll look unprofessional, like I don't know what I'm doing. Pride keeps you from risking because you are constantly worried about maintaining a semblance of order and outward appearance. And I just read that art is all about failure. Apparent failure. Happy accidents. No such thing in my book. Accidents are BAD. No accidents. How in the blue blazes did I become an artist and not be able to risk change??? That is like an oxymoron. Yes, the "moron" part fits. The way I was taught no longer works for me. I'm not content, something is definitely wrong. But it usually takes an emotional nuclear blast to get me to change. No wonder I'm on the verge of biopolarism. I'm just too darn stubborn to admit my insanity, and too concerned about what other people think of me.

Sigh. Then there's caring about other people. How did I ever get married? I must have been temporarily insane (again). Love does not make sense. It isn't neat or clean, pretty like the movies or even good for you. Well, in the sense that it can make you INSANE (I can't get away from this). I'm not good with being off center stage, in the background, content to help other people and not toot my own horn-me, say nothing?? HA! That's a laugh. This Christianity business is also insane. It's all bassackwards. Lose my life to save it? Gee, can't I at least keep a little? Nope. The childlike inherit the Kingdom. Oops, that leaves me out. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. Doggone there no justice (my brand anyway)?

No rest for the wicked, but for those who choose to lose their pride, a rest from their labor (s)...Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy-laden (man, this pride of mine weighs a ton!) and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am meek and humble in heart (just can't get away from it) and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light (sounds good to me).


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