Tuesday, January 23, 2007

yesterday, cont.

Seems like within yesterday's epiphany is this tangent-the people I really love and care about are the ones Ishould feel free to get the maddest at. My problem is being ok with expressing it. The desire to keep everyone happy and not offend is at odds with the fury I feel sometimes, rightly so or not-my own emotions, that is. The one thing I couldn't do with my dad, and can't seem to do with my son, is express the rage I felt and sometimes feel over the things they did. I trust that my love is steady and unconditional, but that does not mean I won't react to wrongs leveled again my family, and further, myself. The only meaningful protest I could lodge against my father, and we had a great relationship later in life, was to not attend his funeral. I stuck my tongue out at duty and decorum. Of course he wasn't there to see it. But I was satisfied.

My son is equally hard for me. I would think that if I were normal there would have been a moment when I was so hurt and so angry over everything that happened I should have screamed in his face or sobbed in his presence. Childhood training being what it is, I could do neither. I just went on, smoothing over everything, until it was hard to function. With my son, the only way to let him know how I'm truly feeling is to cut down visitation. I do love him, but not at my own expense, and yes, it is a way to say I'm angry and I'm hurt, and things aren't the same anymore because they aren't. Perhaps if I can come to say the words to him, or demonstrate this in a more open and direct way, I will and I'll feel like visiting more. As it is, I am where I am.

I recently had to do this to someone, and in this particular case, I did very directly and honestly state my case because I was furious. Even though the offending action was unintentional, I still do not want it to happen again, and in the end, my feelings were what they were. To just say "ok" and let it go would have dishonored the relationship, I believe. If things don't work out, I'm still good with what I did. I think that is the issue-it's being afraid of loss. But if a relationship can't bear honesty and misunderstanding, then there really isn't much there to lose.

2 Comments:

Blogger jules said...

I've been pretty angry with the situation with my son as well. However because he's brand new to the whole "jail" thing, at this point I don't feel like I can tell him how I'm really feeling. I still feel like I have to be supportive and "up" for him. Maybe at some point I'll get to where you are.

5:23 AM  
Blogger joannie said...

There was a moment right in the beginning of everything when my son was in the psych ward of a local hospital. We had no idea at that time exactly what had happened. But he tried to commit suicide. He was in the hospital for two weeks, and we went to visit him every night. We were all in shock, but the night before he was to be arrested and taken from the hospital to prison, I wanted to fall apart. Since then, I really haven't had a moment, and I don't know if I will. I'm just trusting things will happen if they need to. And of course, he needs support-but again, the issue of responsibility is going to keep coming 'round, especially when he gets out.

8:50 AM  

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