Thursday, March 15, 2007

weighed down

I'm writing at one in the morning because I cannot sleep again. I think I am truly having bonafide hot flashes. It hasn't happened during the day, so it's hard to tell. The other thing is, I'm at the place where, if I want to sleep, I have to lose weight or more correctly, I have to eat right. Now there's a motivator! My problem is, I'm not huge. I'm not thin either. The margin for error is relatively small. Two little pieces of pizza and one cookie kept me awake tonight. I don't eat like the circus fat man. Somehow it seems more a torture to know I can't have even a little or a few good things. I like my vegetables, my daughter says I'm the healthiest eater she knows-but still, I can't have anything, not ANYTHING, extra. I'm like a gremlin-no food after midnight. It's no food after dinner, and dinner has to be modest.

Quite honestly, I don't know if I can do this every single day. I don't think I really have a choice, but I'm not sure that I can. Push is coming to shove. I did really well all day until last night. My daughter, kindly (but not) gave me a chocolate chip mint bakery cookie she didn't eat. I should have told her thanks and tossed it, but I didn't. Then my husband came home with a huge box of pizza, and ice cream to top it off. I didn't have the ice cream, but by then it was too late anyway. What can I do? It has to become a habit that I accept without question. I've thought to myself, this is the challenge-it isn't "going on a diet", it's accepting that this is how I live, and in this over-larded society that worships super-sizing, food is what seems to grow on trees. I can't win.

So I'm sitting here thinking, how do I do something I have never, ever been successful at over the long haul? A person can always change, but if I apply what I'm learning in my 12 steps, I can't do this without finding out why I eat when I'm not hungry and I can't do it alone. In the end the decision is mine alone. Past experiences point to the fact that I usually do this to please other people (my mother or men who think I'm attractive at a lower weight). I will never manage it if I do this for someone else and am not motivated for me. I think, too, that as I get older, there will be plenty of physical issues to slow me down. I don't want my weight to be one of them. Maybe I need to build more activity into my day in terms of walking, biking and skating. I do walk and just bought a bike. Time to move should be what I crave, not cookies and pizza. Here we go...into the "results not typical" category!


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