Tuesday, June 12, 2007

addendum to graduation

The downside of any lovely and very public event for me is seeing how large I am on video and in still pictures. The frustration not ever being able to have one piece of cake, let alone two, is so total I can hardly bear it. I'm short, I have a thyroid problem for which I have taken medication for years and I do not respond well to simple exercise and changes in diet. Seems they always have to be drastic. Add to this my age, which is not 16. Am I simply conditioned to hate myself if I'm not a size 2? If the video does not lie, and it does not, I am overweight. I am not that attractive.

This should not bother me, but it does. I've got qualities that other people envy. Well, some other people. But it seems like the counterweight of not being slim or what the world says is acceptable negates all of that. "Such a nice face". GRRRrrrrr!!!! How about being a good mom, a good friend, a faithful and loving servant of God-not enough. For whom? Firstly and maybe the worst for it, for myself. I can't stand it. I'm awake tonight because I can't. I'm so angry with my body, this struggle, which has been years and years long. I lost and gain the same damn 15 pounds repeatedly. I can't make peace no matter what I do.

What is the gain to me to have to work 4 times as hard as everyone else to have minimal results or none at all in the long run? It is so unfair. I don't want to be a size 2. I'd love to be a 10. But even that is incredibly hard work. I feel terrible guilt in a world where too many people don't have enough to eat, that every bite I put in my mouth appears on my person. I feel like a walking advertisement for gluttony when I am not a glutton. I have prayed to accept this, prayed to lose permanently, prayed to never worry about it again...and then come events in which I should be so proud and so happy this is a non-issue. But my negative and angry reaction to the tape tells me it is an issue. What do I do????

2 Comments:

Blogger jules said...

Would you PLEASE quit reading my diary???? :)

12:11 AM  
Blogger joannie said...

Chuckle-perhaps we could just exchange?! Oh, if you would, either via e-mail or if you're ok with writing it out, I need your blog URL. I usually just go through the picture and profile, and I can't anymore. I love reading it, and waaahhh, I can't because I didn't memorize the address. Thanks!

5:34 PM  

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