keep movin'

I'm trying hard to settle my life's train onto a straight track marked with integrity and determined certainty. I'm an emotional chameleon, and much of my life has amounted to following those quicksilver paths of deep passion, only to find an annealed dead end when it's "over". I know I need to be feeding and nurturing a path that is not thrown off by changeable feelings, that pulls all roads into one and directs my heart's traffic like a spiritual roundhouse.

I hate goodbyes, failures, apparent unfinished business, things I cannot control, mental fog, malaise, the spiritual dead zones of my experience. But these also are a part of my road. I realized this morning I'm grieving the departure of one friend whose going will be separation for the rest of our lives at least physically, pretty much. I read with interest the crazy experiences of another whose life touches down into mine only every couple of years and takes off again. I want to have the grace for the e-mail relationship of yet another friend I'd love to have lunch with and go to movies, but that isn't possible. I know I should praise God for technology, but as far as my heart's concerned, sometimes that's worse.

It's the human condition. But I believe if I consciously choose a good path, do the things I was born to do, these other things I struggle with, my feelings about them, will weave themselves into a liveable whole. I have to. The times I really get lost is putting too much stock into one rivulet of it all. Then loss or failure is almost unbearable. Why do I keep forgetting that?