Tuesday, December 04, 2007

questions and answers

I've rereading the book of Job. I try to read the scriptures through every year, because there is so much to be reminded of, and that is where I happen to be now. I suppose I see things through new eyes every time I read them. What I see in Job now is a man I can identify with in a small way. Disaster of the worst kind befell him, not his fault, and he questions God relentlessly about it all, he complains and bemoans his fate and dodges the glancing blows of "friends" who keep imploring him to confess to God and things will be fine. But he's done nothing and maintains his integrity throughout 40 chapters.

The thing that I see is that in questioning God, Job treats Him as God. Questioning isn't faithlessness, it is faithfulness because there is expectation involved. A faithless person would not question-they would curse or try to slap a godly label on the inexplicable. But Job poured out his heart. The thing is, that is what friends do, real friends. That is what my friend, Shaun, is teaching me. I guess I'm afraid to rock the boat in any situation, but my friend is not afraid to be honest with me, challenging me, accepting my criticisms as well-we've argued, gotten angry with each other, had the best conversations, but the thing I can count on is, tomorrow he'll still be there. I think that's what real love entails.

Lately I've been so down about my son Brandon. I feel terribly disconnected, and I didn't know how to bridge the gap. I wrote to him and shared my heart and feelings. I hate doing that because I know he has his own sorrows, but I got this response:

"Sometimes I worry about you too, Mum. Then, of course, it's my job to worry as a dedicated momma's boy (I piddy da fool who ain't one!!!!). On occasion I get a snail mail kick in the ass from Dad saying, 'send your mother a letter, she needs to hear from you!' which makes me laugh, but pretty much every time is true. I'm always wanting to send a message on the order of 'I'm fine, it's fine, we're all fine here, bye'. When you do that for so long you run out of ways to say you're 'fine'. I'm always wary or even afraid of opening up and writing '...bad yesterday, lot on my mind, couldn't sleep...', you know, something that would make you wonder. Even though it's just the normal swing to have an occasional day full of emotional malaise, I'd rather no one hear about it. I get these moments sometime where all I want to do is run, run as far as I can from everything and everyone just to be completely alone. I'll get this feeling like I need to get free of something, like my very skin is choking me to death and it needs to come off. Then it simply goes away, as if it never entered my mind. I'm thankful this event is so rare, the sensation so fleeting. Before I realize it, I'm immersed back into the petty goings-on of the institution and everyone else's problems. Schadenfreude is very theraputic."

The thing I seem to see is, don't stop questioning, asking, fighting, wanting or needing. The life we live is one of need. I need to know sometimes, from God, my friends, my son-how's it going, do you love me, will you be there? That's not wrong, it's human.


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