Monday, July 09, 2007

be anxious for...

I still worry far too much. I worry about everything. I do use the prayer prescription, but somehow just can't get the "be anxious for nothing" part. I guess it has to do with trusting God to hold up His end of the bargain when I do pray. I expect disaster at every turn. I want to believe people want to help me, believe the best of me, are there to be called on, but I can't get past this stubborn and almost pathological self-reliance that makes my life miserable on the one hand, and seems to define me on the other. "Oh, you're so reliable-I know I can trust you to...."-fill in the blank with anything, and I can do it!! I am determined not to trust anyone but myself, and that makes for a very small support system, believe me. I'm up at four in the morning because my "to do" list is so huge I can never get it done in a day, and I beat myself up because I can't instead of looking at what I did do. I almost cried when someone offered to help me do something that would have cost huge time and money to myself, but not much effort to him. I was loathe to even ask, as though I failed by doing so. I felt the same when an inmate friend tried calling, not once, but twice, determined to find me home. I thought "he doesn't want to call". Two people called the night before meetings to be sure I was ok and ask if I'd be present.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have such a low opinion of myself? This is so ridiculous I can't believe I live this way, but I do, day after day after day after day...I feel like I need to be superwoman before anyone will even bother with me. I don't know what would happen if suddenly I could not perform. I think I'd be so depressed life would be unbearable, I'm so dependent on what I do for people to define who I am and that I have self-worth. I think about my son, about other inmates who really cannot do much and are almost totally defined by their jumpsuits, no matter who they were before they were incarcerated. Suddenly they are just a prisoner, subject to every prejudicial belief that imposes upon their lives. I have learned to see them as so precious. Can't I give myself that same understanding?


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