Thursday, January 25, 2007

a special white letter day

It seems like the letters from my son are fewer and further between these days, but one came yesterday that made the wait very worthwhile. He doesn't owe me any explanations, but when I receive his love and understanding, this journey is so much easier to bear. Here's Brandon:

"There's no need to feel that stopping by less often needs any justification. There were times when you'd visit I could plainly see how worn out and exasperated it made you. Not the visit itself, but the circumstances of it. The anxiety of the night before, driving to the end of the state to come HERE of all places, then back home again. There are times I'd like to just have a video conference so I could see you guys in a natural setting. All the hectic stuff going on, trying to have a sit-down dinner, randon people running through the house at odd intervals. Say "hi" via satellite to someone who just woke up, rooting around for cold cereal in a bathrobe. On the other hand, I could show you my crappy little cell. I've gotten rather comfortable with it, actually."

He goes on describing how he felt in county lock-up, awaiting sentencing, "In county I counted up day by awful day with the stereotype four lines and slash method. I woke up nearly every morning mentally screaming "SON OF A BITCH!!!!!" (he has the word "bitch" underlined) knowing yet barely grasping the shit-storm I stirred up. Sure, there were days you could hang out on the top tier "porch" of LCCF's 5-A with the guys and yuck it up. We'd start trouble, have fun, then someone would say "I almost forgot I was here". We'd all sigh "yeah, 'here'."

He concludes the more serious reflection with ,"Once you leave here you have to deal with the life you made for yourself and truly come to understand the damage you caused. Everything comes back to you like you left yesterday. Hell, I could go on forever, but you already understand. I don't intend to start pissing and moaning about how bad I messed up. I shoud be too busy creating normalcy for myself. Though now that I look at it, just getting to where I can begin this process seems like a long, long road."

Well, tomorrow I'll include a hilarious explanation of the elephant in the coal bin-yes, it was Brandon. But I thank God for his self-realization and the maturity that is happening. The trick for me is to just let it happen.


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