surprises (sort of)

I got some surprises in the mail this week! I got into an exhibit called "The Art of the Colored Pencil", and I got into a regional competition here in our state. I sent out a slide to the Salmagundi Club in NYC with a clear sense that I have a good shot at getting in their non-member exhibit. A friend has asked to use my art for some of his projects, and I'm contemplating starting a drawing class at the prison. How this will all pan out I don't know, but somehow I either feel like, "I'm BAAACCCKKK", or maybe, I'm arriving. My confidence level is new. I have the feeling whatever it takes to make it, that is what I'm going to do, and mostly that means lots of time at the easel and time promoting my work. I do plan to enter The Artist's Magazine yearly competition as well.

I don't know what motivates a person to want something badly enough not to give up. Seems like in my case there are many factors. I can't stand to lose. I'm stubborn as a mule. I believe that this gift is my responsibility and that God gave it to me, therefore I must do SOMETHING! I've gotten to a place where not to go forward is more of a risk than going forward, even if I "fail". But going forward means I'm choosing success. I've heard in said that steps in faith create their own destination. I believe that. I just can't predict the distance or the specific place I'll wind up. I'm willing to chance that. Perhaps it is seeing, week after painful week, where an unfocused, devil-may-care existence leads. All I know is, I don't want it. I don't. I remember Olympia Dukakis' character of a jilted wife on the movie "Moonstruck". She turns a man away from her door rather than cheat on her husband because she tells him, "I know what I am". Her character determines her decisions, not the spur of the moment judgment.

So I guess I "know what I am". I don't guess-I'm sure. I've decided. So on I go, deciding with every step what the next will be, praying, believing.