Thursday, March 29, 2007

the human stain

I've had a moment, and the realization is spreading so far into my mind and my existence I'm not sure how to respond, a moment of knowing how far my own humanity denies the presence of God in my life. I now catch myself at every turn being motivated to do things because of my own self-will rather than trusting, or even taking the time to remember, this little human package has a stamp on it, "Property of the Most High". I feel my own sinfulness in a way that does not make me cringe or feel guilt, but the simple truth of how far it extends in all that I am and how much it keeps me from knowing God and letting Him have His way in my life. I don't need to drag myself down to an altar rail, fighting every step. I long to "shuffle off this mortal coil" in every way I'm so tired of dragging around this body of death. I wish I DID know at every turn what He wanted, because let me tell you, what I want brings about nothing.

I sense His love, I know His life in me from a distance, like a popping and fuzzy radio transmission. There is nothing wrong with the transmission, only the transmitter. Most of what I receive I attempt to translate into "do". I "do" this, and therefore have a way of physically saying, ok, I'm obedient. But it's more than that. I have to get from "do" to "be". My mind and soul need to be permeated with God-thoughts and God-intentions. Mine are so rutted and grooved with Sue-thoughts and intentions I don't know where one ends or the other begins, and I feel lonely. I'm tired of living with just myself. I need to clean out the house, not because it's dirty or the furniture doesn't match. I need to clean it out because I want Someone else to be welcome.

Was it a Loggins and Messina song that talks about this-somehow fragments of melody and lyric just passed through my mind, talking about a "heart hotel"....that it's furnished, but "there is nobody living inside"...I don't think I've made the Holy Spirit terribly welcome in mine. Do I really want to know what God wants or what He thinks? When do I stop manipulating and pulling strings, using people and His gifts to get what I think I need or want. Shoot, I'm not even sure I know. Wait, yes I do. I need love. Everyone does. A friend of mine just blogged about that, that we need love or our lives go on the fritz. That is what the song was about-make it welcome, open the shutter, pull up the blinds, put out the welcome mat for the One who is love defined.


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