self-examination

I hate going to leadership meetings only to be confronted with a questionaire about myself. I never know what to say because I don't often think about where I need to change, not in a truly practical sense, a way that says, I'm taking thus and these steps to change this. I figure it this way-I'm here now, what else do you want? Chuckle. You are all blessed with the holy presence of Sue and I resent being asked to examine myself. My thought is, just tell me what to do and let's go home.

Sigh...if it were only so easy. Maybe it is, but oftentimes change requires uncovering what motivates in the first place, good and bad. What are my passions? Ah, that is trickier to discern. I spent all of yesterday drawing something I hated, but I still longed for a good outcome, and so pushed past my anger and frustration to create something new. I did what I had to do because I love to create and I'm not satisfied with something that just fulfills a requirement. And in that time checked the Royal Portrait Society website in which I had just registered to see work that simply blew me away and made me all the more motivated to paint. After I finished the "yuck" piece I downloaded an entry into another competiton and started drawing a mini for a CIVA (Christians in the Visual Arts) fundraiser. My vanity is so totally turned on when someone sends me a letter telling me I was hand-picked to do this project because my art is of such a high caliber. Oh, yes...I'm a diva. Clearly, this is a passion.

But I also have passions that cause very entrenched behaviors which are destructive. One of the questionaire questions was, how can I do better with my recovery? I could stop when I'm tempted and think why I'm ready to shove something into my mouth or look at something that just isn't helpful. That requires acknowledging that I'm about to do something really negative, and as hurting myself is not healthy, I have to think-why would I hurt myself? And why is it so hard to put on the brakes and face that? What is the driving force here?

That is the key to change. Oftentimes it is as simple, and as difficult, as one moment in time where you reflect and turn around, rather than react as usual.