inward thoughts

I'm trying to deal with whatever is in my nature that is inwardly contentious. I know to be of any use to anyone else you first have to deal with you-surrendering, limiting, loving and healing the self. But something inside can't stand to be in one place for too long. Something inside loves, only to push away, looks for healing only to be torn into again. Outwardly I can be steadfast, patient and loyal. Inside I'm insecure and never entirely sure. I look for the things that help me live beyond the uncertainty. But I like those things at a distance as well. Let me remain in control, or out, as I see fit. It sounds like insanity to me. I see this in my children as well. They love getting the last word, pushing the envelope, backing away when things are too close. I don't know what to do with myself.