now go

I've heard it said the way to banish fear is to move forward in it. I think that is true. At least, there really isn't much else to do anyway! I'm thinking it is time to speak more publicly about my son's situation, or just the situation of incarceration itself in whatever ways I can. This cause has wrapped itself around my life in ways large and small, and I know that human beings are responsible to the places they find themselves, and the things they learn. I suppose this all has happened to me. I didn't choose this path, but now that I am on it, I have to be sensitive to where it leads. Part of that involves my art. I am also responsible to where that path leads me. It seems like every choice I make now is predestined, every choice has some meaning beyond myself and everything inside says "Go". Like Moses in the desert, there was no other road but Egypt. A fearful man with a stuttering problem must have wrestled with his thoughts for miles and miles of sand before he hit those pyramids.

I'm scared. And what scares me most is having my own voice drowned completely out. Is it worth the mental torment and possible failure? Is attempting anything public worth the risk. Moses asked God, "Who shall I say sent me?" In other words, am I just suffering from delusions of grandeur or is there really Someone behind me saying "I AM" (and because I am, you are commanded). Ok. I think about this past year. I had grand ideas of shows and such after thinking I may never draw or paint again. My first one was in a dinky bookstore with a mishmash of work. I couldn't even get into a venue that people I helped and taught did. Sigh. That's enough to make a body run back to the sheepfold. But I continued. And New York City came through. Twice this year. You know all that means to me is, now hit the bricks. Or the sand. It may be more dinky venues, but they will be larger dinky venues. I have something to say, and I have to say it on my own terms. I am (scared, ready, let's do this thing...).